Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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