I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
