I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
