census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
