one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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