If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
