Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
