Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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