Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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