Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Michael Bay diarrhea
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We need a shit load of segways right now
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
