after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
