Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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