Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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