a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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