i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I want her autograph on my taint
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize