Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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