Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
