Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
