woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
