i love accidental penises.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
