so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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