I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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