so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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