Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
