I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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