so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
