his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
