I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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