I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
