i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
