I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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