All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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