this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
