I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
