my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
