i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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