I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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