So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
