I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize