I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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