why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
