Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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