god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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