I hate all girls vehemently.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
