Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
