the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
