i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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