I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
