quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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