She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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