I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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