sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
