Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
