So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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