I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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