I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
