Will you blow on my dice?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
