theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
