I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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