I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
