I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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