Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
