Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize