I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm really busy with my period
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