Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
