Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I party with great urgency now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
