I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
